Ahhh, Fox News. An ever-inspiring source of raw, emotional, relevant and unbiased reporting. As a loyal and devoted fan, imagine my joy when I saw THIS article on Lindsay Lohan’s latest crime against humanity: going bra-less. For the love of God Lindsay, where does it end? First, the eating disorders, the drugs, the arrests, the jail time, the thefts and now THIS? How could you do this to your fans? More importantly, how could you do this to yourself? Because really, Linds, all Fox is trying to do is HELP you because they care about your career! For reals. It’s not about body shaming or objectifying the feminine form or the impossible beauty standards that Hollywood creates at all. Nope, not at all.
And really, you need Fox’s help! Here’s why: you may not know this, but the article makes an excellent point when it says that gravity is a vengeful mistress. That’s right, gravity don’t play. Tempt her and she will retaliate by grabbing your breasts and pulling them towards the floor until you can’t walk two feet without tripping over them. Bitch.
If you don’t buy gravity’s threats, you simply can’t ignore the advice of the various “bra experts” (Similar to Ph.D the B.E. represents years of studying, dissecting, and researching the effects of bras, or lack thereof, on women’s breasts), interviewed by Fox. Here’s what they said about you, Lindsay: “Lohan has around a 34-D cup size, making her a prime candidate for a serious underwire bra”. How can you ignore such advice? Why must you continue to tempt fate by running around without said “serious” underwire bra? (I, for one, have never met an underwire bra that wasn’t serious)
If you insist on ignoring my pleas, I must go on and tell you that there will be dire consequences. Fox also spoke with Dr. Jennifer Walden, certified B.E. and plastic surgeon. According to her: “The effect on large breasts, whether or not they are augmented with implants, is tissue stretch…The distance between the nipple and the crease below the breast becomes longer and stretched looking rather unnatural” Dr. Walden clearly has a fine understanding of what nature intended for us women and that is to wear a bra at all times in order to prevent the unnatural sagging of our boobs (read: the aging process. Like, totally unnatural). If we choose, like you, to go against nature by refusing a bra, then the outcome is clear. Dr. Walden explains that our only option will be to undergo a breast lift in order to maintain our natural appearance (Read: Getting an unnecessary surgery. Like, totally natural!). Is that what you want for yourself?
Lindsay, if you don’t fear gravity, if you don’t believe those Bra Experts and if you believe that nature intended for you to undergo a breast lift in the future then at least put on a bra for this reason and this reason alone: So you don’t end up looking like some sort of African heathen person! This could be where you are headed, according to Linda Becker, B.E., and owner of Linda’s Bra Salon in NYC. In her expert opinion, “They all get saggy when the tissues under the breasts break and Lindsay is going to end up looking like a WaTuTu warrior.” Did you hear that, LiLo? A WATUTU WARRIOR!? Do you understand what that means? I don’t, but it sounds African and, therefore, must be uncivilized and repulsive. I certainly wouldn’t want something like that for a pure and innocent flower such as yourself.
So, Ms. Lohan, for your own good please stop committing offenses against your breasts and (according to Fox News) the “good people of downtown Los Angeles” by finding yourself a serious underwire bra. Because, despite the fact that I cannot believe Fox News has the time and balls to print an actual news story about the state of your chest, the sad reality is that our society will always judge and criticize women’s bodies as if they were public property. What’s more, they will veil it in thinly disguised concern for our own well being and make us think they have our best interests at heart. Furthermore, the one thing Fox probably got right in this article is that the state of your breasts, and the breasts of all female public figures, really will have an effect on your career. Too big, too small, too saggy, too fake, too covered, too exposed, women can do no right when it comes to Hollywood’s impossible beauty standards. This is not an inevitable truth, but rather a reflection of what our society chooses to value and accept.
And, as long as media outlets like Fox continue to run stories like this and to shame and criticize women’s bodies, we will see no change. Such petty criticisms harm women everywhere, not only in Hollywood, by 1) making us measure ourselves against an unrealistic image 2) normalizing the right to comment on another woman’s body and 3) encouraging competition and jealousy of other women with better/worse bodies than our own.
In short, let Lindsay run around braless wherever and whenever she damn pleases, it’s none of your business and none of your concern! In the wise words of Lindsay’s finest character to date, Mean Girls’ Cady Heron: ”Calling somebody else fat won’t make you any skinnier. Calling somebody else stupid doesn’t make you any smarter. And ruining Regina George’s life definitely didn’t make me any happier. All you can do in life is try to solve the problem in front of you.” So, FoxNews, calling out someone else’s potential future boob saggage doesn’t make your reporting any more legitimate. I guess since they got Osama and Donald Trump has shut up about that pesky birth certificate, there really hasn’t been much to report on lately. Tonight: Trump Presidential Campaign Derailed Due to Heinous Hair Piece. Could the Comb-Over Be to Blame? Details at 11:00.
ps- loved Jezebel’s take on this HERE!
